Thursday, August 2, 2012

You Run; I'll Walk!

I am not a runner; I don’t pretend to be.  My husband is.  He runs ten miles outside every day regardless of the weather (and we live in New England so running outside can be quite an adventure in the winter.)  My son is a runner – he is on the cross country team for his middle school.  Even my five year old has taken up the sport.  Everyday I do at least two loads of laundry that is solely running related stuff, and each morning I move all three pairs of smelly, soaked-drenched sneakers from the kitchen floor to the deck.

In an effort to live by the theory ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ I decided I two would take up running.  I thought I would just slap on a pair of old sneakers, toss on a t-short and head out.  Apparently not.  According to the runners in my family, I needed gear.  Lots of it.   Special quick-dry shorts and thin running socks.  I needed a certain type of sneaker, one that had to chosen by the shape of my foot and the form of my stride.  I needed a GPS watch to track my distance, and arm strap to check my heart rate.  Another armband was needed for my iPod with special waterproof head phones.  And lastly, it was essential that I have this funky looking water bottle that attaches to my hand.

So I have it all.  I am the finest outfitted runner this side of the Mississippi.  Problem is, I hate it. I mean I.  REALLY.  HATE.  IT.  My feet hurt five minutes in.  I feel like I can’t breathe, my right sides kills, and I always, always have to pee.  The dog, who my husband insists I run with, has to stop to shit every five minutes, and God help me if he sees another dog.  My husband says I just need to run through it, that by the time I hit the third mile, I will find that zone.  You can imagine my reply to that.  If not, just string together every curse you know then add a few more and you pretty much got it.

Oh . . . and most importantly my chest kills.  The runners in my family, who are all boys mind you, forgot to mention that a special, well-made and very constricting running bra was probably in order.  So now my tata’s hurt to.

So that’s my rant for the week, completely writing unrelated.  Hope all you runners out there get a good chuckle from my pain – I do.  Enjoy your day; I’m off for a very slow, very painful and completely unenjoyable run.

22 comments:

  1. Lol, I'm not a runner either. I couldn't if my life depended in it. I'd be overtaken by the slow running zombies in a second.

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  2. No need for Zombies. Just take my dog. He will force you to stop every five five minutes so that he can do his business. Which again is a problem that I didn't mention. Nothing like finishing your run with a bag full of dog poop in hand.

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  3. Loved this, Trisha! :) I'm also a "reluctant" runner, for many of the same reasons you've mentioned. It just dang hurts, but started doing it to get in shape and it worked. So I kept doing it. Small tip that may or may not be useful in your situation. Move indoors, and maybe find something lower impact.

    I ran exclusively outdoors on the street or running trails, all of them paved in something very hard. I had bad knees going in, and have suffered from plantar faciaitis in my feet for years. Plus, my allergies were killing my lungs. But I pushed through and would run 3-4 times a week 3-3.5 miles each time. But some weeks my feet would swell, or if the wind was blowing a certain direction I literally couldn't breathe (I take ALL the allergy meds, btw). I still ran, but was miserable and hated it.

    A month or two back a gym opened down the street from us, and I decided to take my activity indoors to see if it would alleviate some of my hatred. :) It totally did! My allergy symptoms almost completely vanished (no trouble breathing at all now), and I switched to running on an elliptical, so I've had virtually zero joint and foot pain. And I work out 5 times a week now, simply because I don't have that next day pain-hangover.

    Anyway, I know you might have those options available, but wanted to mention my story just because yours sounded so familiar. :)

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    1. Should read, "might NOT have those options..." :)

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    2. Don't you get bored on a treadmill?

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  4. Did you just say "tatas"?? HAHAHAHA I'm gonna laugh about that for a while. Yes, I'm infantile that way:)

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    1. I knew you would laugh about that. I though about using other descriptives but was afraid I would offend somebody so tata's it was.

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    2. I don't blame you, Trisha. I cannot run to save my life. Maybe we're just better equiped to run things like spell check. ;)

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    3. Maybe, but sometimes even spell check gives me a headache :)

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  5. At least the men in your family are in shape. That's gotta score some points when the lights go out.

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    1. God I love you; your comments always have me spitting coffee across my keyboard.

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  6. Haha, well now you can say that you tried! I love running, but it is pretty painful. ;)

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    1. I will not give up. I won't! Perhaps I could get my husband to run in front of me dangling a piece of cheesecake. I'd keep running for that.

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  7. I'm laughing...on the inside. No, seriously, I sort of like running, but according to your boys I'm doing it all wrong.

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    1. I think it is my boys that are doing it all wrong, not you :) Boys and their stupid gadgets.

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  8. For years, I watched with envy as my husband and daughter went out for runs. And my motto was the same as yours: you run; I'll walk. Then I decided to give it a try. It took me a while to get used to it. But after I learned to suffer through that first mile or so, the running got easier. Enjoy. :)

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    1. So what you are saying is I should hand in there, and it will get easier. Okay, if you say so. Although I fully intend to reward myself with a frozen mud slide after each run.

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  9. I've tried running a few times, but even though I was athletic in high school, I never had the running gene. I've never hit that dopamine-induced high that supposedly comes after a certain time. I just feel dumb. And they say it's for good health? No, running away if there's an axe-murderer or a hyena chasing me is for my health. Running for no reason is just silly and painful.

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    1. I am with you. I think that dopamine-induced high is a crock if shit!

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  10. I hate running too, but i have a number of friends who do it so I grudgingly go along with it. :)

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    1. Grudgingly -- what an apt description of our attitudes toward running.

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