Thursday, July 26, 2012

If I didn't laugh at them, I would lose my mind.

I will digress from writing themes today in favor of a bit of humor.  It doesn’t happen often (me being funny that is) so enjoy the rare moment.

I have a lot of friends, family, acquaintances, strangers who happen to know I live on Cape Cod (just kidding…kinda) who come and stay with me throughout the summer.  This year, to keep my sanity, each night I started jotted down some of the insane things that were said, like a journal of stupid if you will. Thought I would share some of my favorites.

                                                  Situation 1

Family member:  You are making hamburgers?

Me: Shakes my head and motions to the large tray of meat I have just depositid on the grill.

Family Member: But I am a vegetarian.

Me:  Really? Curious, why? (I honestly was – she recently married into my family, and I had no idea)

Family member:  I just don’t believe in killing animals for food.  It is cruel, especially when we have plenty of other renewable sources of food to choose from.

Me:  So you don’t have think animals should be killed for any human-related reasons?

Family Member:  NO!  Absolutely not!

Me:  Hmm . . . those are some mighty fine leather sandals you are wearing.

Funny thing is, she still has yet to make the connection between the shoes and the cow.  Far be it from me to explain it to her.

                                                     Situation 2

Wife of Friend:  Can you believe they robbed that man's house at two in the afternoon?  (Apparently she had gotten hold of a newspaper or two while she was here)

Me:  I just shrug, curious and a bit confused as to where she is going with this.

Wife of friend:  I mean, it’s the middle of the day, don’t these people have jobs?

Me (after two classes of wine and a very long day):  Are you serious?  Stealing people’s shit IS their fucking job.  (I apologize for the language, and I usually don't swear at my guests, but I know here husband well, I was tired, and well that is actually what I said. If it any consolation, both my husband and my friend spit their wine clear across the table in laughter when I said it.)

                                                       Situation 3

Me:  I am going fishing, does anybody want to come?

Cousin: What are you going to catch?

Me:  Strippers, maybe a Sea Bass

Cousin:  Okay, I’ll come, but I don’t want you to hurt the fish?

Me: What? (imagine my face screwed up in irritation)  You do know I am going to grill whatever I catch for dinner, right?

Cousin:  Yeah, but I just don’t want you to hurt it when you reel it in.

Me:  Hmm…let’s see.  I am going to jab it with a big hook, embed said hook in its mouth as I reel it in, gut it, filet it, then toss it on a grill.  Yeah, shouldn’t hurt a bit.

Suffice it to say, she stayed home and had a hotdog for diner.

                                                          Situation 4

Plain old idiot:  I ran into to some friends I haven’t seen since high school today.

Me, feigning interest:  Really, was it weird or fun?

Plain old idiot:  Great, we were conversating about our lives and all that has changed.

Me, shaking my head as I bang it on the table out of sheer frustration::  It is conversing, the word is conversing, or talking, or catching up, but no conversating.


  1. LOL! Love them. Thanks for the laugh. Hope you have a great weekend.

  2. Anytime, Mary. Glad I could make you laugh.

  3. Those are great Trisha! At least it's all for our entertainment.

    1. Glad I could make you laugh, Miranda.

  4. Those are moments when you just blink your eyes and wonder how in the world these people can pump their own gas, let alone drive a car.I don't know why, but my thinking always goes back to driving. ;)

    1. Driving, I wonder if some of them can even manage to tie their own shoes. But they are good for a few laughs . . . at their own expense of course.

  5. This is the main reason why I have a Twitter account. It's a great place to air the absurd.

    Thanks for sharing.

    1. I thought about tweeting some of this as it happened, but then thought people would just think I was a snarky bitch. Which I am not, well not most of the time anyway.

  6. regarding the cousin who didn't want you to hurt the fish, what the heck does she think happened to whatever was in her hotdog?

    1. Great point, well made. I hadn't even considered that.

  7. Haha, love it! Especially the disconnection between leather and cow. I'm sure she'll figure it out. ;)

  8. Hah! I so want to hang out with you now.

  9. Ha! I have days like those, where I just want to roll my eyes at everything people say.

  10. I just now stopped laughing at this. So, so YOU:)