Thursday, June 14, 2012

What Your Email Says About You

I should warn you up front that this is a completely random post that has absolutely nothing to do with writing and everything to do with me finally finding my snark again.  With that warning in hand, feel free to read on.

I have three email accounts.  Yes three -- one for my writing correspondences, one for spam (you know that address you give the websites that "require" it in order to get past there front page) and one for personal, everyday life.  Up until yesterday, it was working well.  Three different parts of my life literally contained in three separate boxes.  Apparently yesterday, the email gods got their singles all messed up.  Either that or I need to take a long, hard look at my spam filter. 

Okay, so this morning, coffee in hand, I open up my "writing email" because let's face it, those of us who are querying, critiquing, on submission always ALWAYS go to that email box first. since 11pm last night I have racked in 257 emails.  Now, I know I'm popular, but seriously, I'm not that good.  It was loaded down with spam.  Lots and lots of spam.  That got me thinking . . .  what does my email say about me? I mean isn't this the decade of "target marketing?"  Apparently not, because according to my email, as I will illustrate below, my life sucks.

Without further commentary, I proudly introduce you to my life a la spam:

I am an overweight, middle-aged housewife who is interested in the secrets of losing ten pounds of belly fat.   I am depressed and need to seek treatment from a Canadian pharmacy.  Lucky for me, said pharmacy will also ship me, free of charge mind you, little blue pills to perk up my husband's sex life.   Of course that comes after I peruse the dating sites for singles "my own age."  I am in financial ruin and need to consider re-financing my mortgage.  That's probably because yesterday alone I shipped hundreds of dollars of adult toys from an amazon account I don't own.  But fear not, I have just inherited  $2,000,000 from some overseas family that is somehow related to me.  All I need to complete that transaction is to give them my banking information.  My kids are unruly and needed to be tested for ADHD (said Canadian pharmacy can help me out there as well)  I am going to learn two new languages in under one week, and then I am going to buckle down and get my online degree as a health assistant.  You know, because that whole law school thing I trudged through fifteen years ago just isn't working out.  I need to order flowers for my Dad (because he's such a flower kind of guy) and apparently I am eligible to win free sandwich from Subway for a year.  Oh yeah .  . . and I am going bald.

So that's what my email says about me this morning.  How about you, what does your inbox say about you?


  1. LOL!!! I always wondered about my spam, seeing most of it is offers for those little blue pills. Someone, somewhere, must think I'm a guy!

    1. I know -- I don't know how those Canadian pharmacies stay in business with all there free offers of meds :)

  2. Well, the first one is from a gal named Sara with the subject line "My husband is out of town." I'm not even going to open that one or the one that wants me to look at her NSFW pics. Then, there's the free Subway email and the one letting me know about a bed bug outbreak. NEW CAR DEALS! Which, okay, I do need a new car. I also need affordable car insurance. I can view hot Christian singles or join the eHarmony free communication weekend! That's just the first page.

    My husband's is pretty much the same thing as well as a guarantee to get laid tonight from FucBook (I can't make this crap up).

  3. FucBook -- spit my coffee across the monitor when I read that. I swear the stuff we get in our spam folders is crazy.

  4. Apparently, you and I have the same email persona, only you're far more popular. 257 in one night? Holy crap! I get all the ones you mention, plus Barilla pasta coupons and info on how to cook (how did they know I'm a lousy cook?), loans and credit card applications, and princesses in Nigeria keep needing my help...

    1. What's wrong, Lexa, not in the mood to save the Nigerian Princess LOL? Glad to know that in cyberspace, at least, we are exactly the same.

  5. I never ever check my junk folder, but now I'm curious...

  6. Apparently I've ordered something via FedEx that requires I download an attachment, Delta airlines needs me to also download an itinerary I never purchased to verify the details, Rick from China is anxious to retouch my photos, and multiple people think I need drugs. At least, that's what my writing inbox is telling me. I don't even want to ask the others.

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