I will digress from writing themes today in favor of a bit
of humor. It doesn’t happen often (me
being funny that is) so enjoy the rare moment.
I have a lot of friends, family, acquaintances, strangers
who happen to know I live on Cape Cod (just
kidding…kinda) who come and stay with me throughout the summer. This
year, to keep my sanity, each night I started jotted down some of the insane things
that were said, like a journal of stupid if you will. Thought I would share some of my favorites.
Situation
1
Family member: You are making hamburgers?
Me: Shakes my head and motions to the large tray of meat I have just depositid on the grill.
Family Member: But I am a vegetarian.
Me: Really? Curious, why? (I honestly was – she recently
married into my family, and I had no idea)
Family member: I just don’t believe in killing animals for
food. It is cruel, especially when we
have plenty of other renewable sources of food to choose from.
Me: So you don’t have think animals should be
killed for any human-related reasons?
Family Member: NO!
Absolutely not!
Me: Hmm . . . those are some mighty fine leather sandals
you are wearing.
Funny thing is, she still has yet to make the connection
between the shoes and the cow. Far be it
from me to explain it to her.
Situation
2
Wife of Friend: Can you believe they robbed that man's house
at two in the afternoon? (Apparently she had gotten hold of a newspaper or two while she was here)
Me: I just shrug, curious and a bit confused as
to where she is going with this.
Wife of friend: I mean, it’s the middle of the day, don’t these people have jobs?
Me (after two classes of wine and a very long day): Are
you serious? Stealing people’s shit IS
their fucking job. (I apologize for the language, and I usually don't swear at my guests, but I know here husband well, I was tired, and well that is actually what I said. If it any consolation, both my husband and my friend spit their wine clear across the table in laughter when I said it.)
Situation 3
Me: I am going fishing, does anybody want to
come?
Cousin: What are you
going to catch?
Me: Strippers, maybe a Sea Bass
Cousin: Okay, I’ll come, but I don’t want you to hurt
the fish?
Me: What? (imagine my
face screwed up in irritation) You do
know I am going to grill whatever I catch for dinner, right?
Cousin: Yeah, but I just don’t want you to hurt it
when you reel it in.
Me: Hmm…let’s see. I am going to jab it with a big hook, embed said
hook in its mouth as I reel it in, gut it, filet it, then toss it on a grill. Yeah, shouldn’t hurt a bit.
Suffice it to say, she stayed home and had a hotdog for
diner.
Situation
4
Plain old idiot: I ran
into to some friends I haven’t seen since high school today.
Me, feigning interest:
Really, was it weird or fun?
Plain old idiot:
Great, we were conversating about our lives and all that has changed.
Me, shaking my head as I bang it on the table out of sheer frustration::
It is conversing, the word is
conversing, or talking, or catching up, but no conversating.